Accidents Happen

Is what I tell people, until it is me, and I have accidently run a red light totaled our car, and hit another vehicle. And then, accepting God's forgiveness and grace, amidst my own sinfulness and humanity is so difficult. During these 2 years of unemployment, I have never once felt that I deserved any of the provisions that God so miraculously produced through His saints. I struggled and still do, with the humility required to accept God's help when it comes through another person's sacrifice. It is so hard. But, I have come to a place where I realize that as I beg God for help in my prayers, I have no right to tell Him "how" to answer that need. And, I need to accept His provisions, however He offers them. So, I never felt that I deserved any of the provisions, but after Sunday - I felt totally unworthy of even accepting them. Here, I had failed in such a huge way, and I was so ashamed and so guilty. It was all my fault. I felt unworthy of my jobs at the church or even prayers offered on my behalf. I felt totally condemned. I spent 2 days in an absolute "pit" of dispair, struggling under the weight my "works based" faith.
I realize now, that I thought that I could "accept" God's love and provisions because I was "working" so hard. And here, in this place of total and public failure - I have had to come to terms with the grace offered by His death on the cross. Not only can I never add anything to His payment (which I clearly understood), my failures can never subtract from His payment either. If every day, for the rest of my life, I fail as big as I failed when I ran that red light and hit another person, I still stand righteous through Jesus Christ - whose payment on the cross is enough. Paul said, "This righteousness comes from God through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Works are simply my response to His faithfulness, not any type of merit system. I would never be found worthy enough, because I am a sinner in need of a Savior. But, by the blood of the Lamb, I can stand worthy and holy and even righteous before the Throne of Grace. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus - He, even He is the One who blots out my transgressions and remembers my sins no more - If I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. (Romans 8:1, Isaiah 43:25, 1 John 1:9)
So now, I have a choice. Just as salvation is freely offered to all who will accept it, grace and mercy are feely offered as well. I can choose to live under guilt and shame, or I can accept the Grace paid for by the cross, and walk in freedom. I choose freedom, if for no other reason than to be an example to those around me who are still living under condemnation. I want to accept the grace extended to me, and walk with my head lifted - not because of anything I have done, because of what He has done on the cross. And it is my prayer, that someone else might choose the same through this testimony...