Tassels on Clothing

I read 4 verses today from the Bible, and the Lord said, "Stop. Those are for you today - plant those in your heart instead of reading on." And I tried... I closed my Bible and I told myself, I need tassles on my clothing to remind myself to obey all the commands of the LORD instead of following my own desires and defiling myself, as I am prone to do. Numbers 15:39 But now... "I sit in ashes and dust"- just as Job did (Job 42:6), after sinning against the Lord and being put in his rightful place. What a horrible day of yelling at my girls while they yelled at each other. Losing my temper over miniscule things that won't matter in eternity (if I have to pick up one more toy, I will burst!!!) Making Madeleine cry - making myself cry - making Emma cower - making Billy come home AGAIN to ill- tempers, bad behavior (mine and the girls) - awful. I sit in ashes and dust. Oh Lord, help me let the small stuff go, and help me to know what is small and what is mighty! Help me allow the house to be a wreck, to sleep more, pray more, sit and read with my darling ones more, help me wear tassels on my clothing to remember! I cannot allow them to speak to me that way, to speak to her sister that way, to disobey blatently and to leave messes all over the house for someone else to clean, but I must better model grace and self-control and the love and joy of Jesus during these frustrating days. I must get rid of all anger and rage... and be renewed as I learn to know my Creator and become like Him. (Col 3:8). I must also model the grace and forgiveness and long suffering that my Father extends to me, over and over and over again. While I prayed with them before bed, I asked forgiveness from God for losing my temper today and repented before my girls - but was yelling again 30 minutes later when they still weren't asleep, still acting up. Ahhh... I need tassels on my clothes... And at the end of the day, when the child I struggled most with today was almost asleep, I cuddled up into her neck and whispered in her ear how good she is, how sweet she is, how precious she is to me. I was reminded by God that she is my nurturing child who always wants to rub my feet and give me a massage, to comfort me. And now, I hear her coughing - as she has since she went to sleep - and I am reminded also that many of these behaviors we fret over are tied to something else - perhaps a virus coming on? Oh Give me tassels on my clothes to help me remember to seek you and obey on the tough days, so I don't have regret at night. Oh sweet Jesus, give me grace as I mother - as I fail - as I try so hard to be deserving of these precious children that you have entrusted to me, as I try desperatly to raise them to be righteous, kind, gracious, and responsible. Help me strike that delicate balance between teaching self-control and trying to control everything myself. Help me to teach them respectfulness, and model it to them with my own tone of voice. You do it so perfectly Father - and I fall at your feet to seek your help and guidance and wisdom. Thank you Father for this enormous responisiblity, and thank you for days like today that remind me of my great dependance on You. Give me tassels on my clothes to help me remember to seek you and obey. I am attaching a picture of my girls yesterday at the roller rink - a happier day... A reminder that joy cometh with the morning!

To Move or Not to Move???

We all know that the Israelites wandered in their faithfulness to God. Their 11 day journey ~ stretched to 40 years, humbles us and reminds us of ourselves. But, the times they were faithful are such beautiful reminders too! I read again tonight about one of my favorite examples of their faithfulness. It is found in the book of Numbers chapter 9, and it is in reference to the pillar of cloud they followed by day, and the pillar of fire it became by night. This was God's most precious gift to His people, His presence guiding them by day and keeping them from being afraid by night. It provided light to the Israelites, but darkness to their enemies (Exodus 14:19-20). Numbers 9:17-23 is a wonderful passage, I won't qoute it entirely so go read it right away! "Whenever the cloud lifted from over the sacred tent, the people would break camp and follow it. And whenever the cloud settled, the people would set up camp. In this way, they traveled and camped at the Lord's command wherever He told them to go. Then they remained in the camp as long as the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle. If the cloud remained over the Tabernacle a long time, the Israelites stayed and performed their duty to the LORD... whether the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle for two days, or a month or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on... SO they camped or traveled at the LORD's command, and did whatever He told them through Moses." Don't you love how these people just stayed and waited on the LORD. They were not given an itenerary, or a schedule. They had no idea when they would move again. They just trusted Him, and moved when He moved and stayed when He stayed. Oh, the simplicity of this picture. We do not serve a God who makes things difficult to figure out, obscure or questionable. We can trust Him when He is on the move, and we can trust us when He has us waiting. No need for worry and anxiety - He knows the plan, and He will move us along when it is time. Right now, my sister is a wonderful example of this kind of trust. Her house may or may not have been sold, it is almost completely packed up despite the 5 year old, 2 year old and infant that she is trying to provide a "home" for. There has not been an accurate appraisal, the buyer is now saying he won't pay the price he offered in the contract, and he knows my sister and her husband won't take less, yet he has not canceled the closing date set for THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! My sister and her family have no where to move to, and won't sign an apartment lease until they find out whether their house is sold or not... They are just waiting on the LORD, staying if He says "stay", moving if He says "move". Trusting in the most insecure and uncertain of times. And she has Peace like I have not seen in her before, because she has Jesus, and she can trust Him even when she can't trust her circumstances (in this instance, "the buyer"). Our "cloud" looks different than the Israelites. It is the indwelling of the Holy Spirit Himself, it is the guidance of the Word of God, and it is our sweet Savior Jesus who is sitting at the right hand of God "pleading for us." Romans 8:34. We have so much more guidance than a cloud by day and a pillar by night. We have the Lord Almighty within us and constantly praying for us, closing all those wrong doors so that we do not walk through them (just as He did for Paul in Acts 16, preventing him from going certain places). Let's not grow discouraged when the days of waiting become months, and the months become years. I am in that place too! Let's instead trust the leading of our Father, and just "continue performing our duty to the Lord." (v.19) Whether we move forward or wait.

Staring at Grave Clothes

This morning began for me, with some grave clothes laying about. You know, reminders of loss, sorrow, and fear. And I am tempted to just stare at them, as Peter did at Jesus' empty tomb, and wonder to myself what has happened. (Luke 24:12) Looking at this empty tomb, and neatly folded strips of linen, Mary and the disciples believed that someone had moved Jesus' body, and they were filled with distress. They had no idea that this stessful situation they had found themselves in, was instead the greatest miracle and blessing of all time. The resurrection of our Lord and Savior - and the redemption for all mankind, salvation ~ victory ~ LIFE ~ hope. Even though it appeared to be empty grave clothes, a stolen body, and further loss. Appearances are deceiving. We cannot look upon our present circumstances and decide the future, because it is when all is lost ~ that God can fully rescue and redeem the situation. And so the angels are the first ones to comfort and minister. They tell them, "do not be alarmed," Mark 16, "do not be afraid," Matt. 28, and John's Gospel tells us that one angel even asked Mary, "why are you crying?"
And then they see Jesus.
Matthew tells us that Jesus says "Greetings" first, but John records that He said "Mary" - He called her by name. I can hear Him calling me by name this morning, "Lisetta". And then He says "Do not be afraid."
He knows your name, and He knows that you are afraid, just as He knew that Mary was afraid. He knows that the situation looks bleak, that the tomb is empty and the body is gone, He knows how this must seem. But He says, "Do not be afraid."
So let me just speak some Truth over us;
"Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:16-18
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
I would have it no other way, than for the Lord to remind me that all of these earthly things are passing away, that grave clothes on a fallen planet are a certainty, and my HOPE is not in these things - but in Jesus Christ through whose death I received the gift of the Holy Spirit, and it is through Him that I can overflow with hope - real hope. That is what I want - filled up and spilling over Hope.

Putting your praise to God in writing

I know it has been forever since I blogged, and God has worked so many miracles for our family that I need to put in writing. But tonight I would just like to tell you about my Emma putting her praise to God in writing. While I was cooking dinner, Emma was busy in her playroom at her new art table (which is one of my childhood pieces of furniture ~ recently converted to an art desk for Emma and Madeleine). She was so quiet and so good! When I called her to dinner, she said - "Come see what I did!" And there it was ~ sentence after sentence of praise to God. Here are a few (all phonetically spelled - and being a former 1st grade teacher, I LOVE "cinde" which is "kind" of course - she put that silent "e" on the end to make "i" say his own name!). "God loves you." "He protects us." "He is watching us." "He made people." "He made you." "He is nice and kind.""He cares about us." "The streets are golden in Heaven.""You are incredible." "You are my hero." - and about 5 other statements of worship and praise, all very carefully written first in ballpoint pen then traced over in a variety of colors of marker and crayon - all inscribed... on the table.

When I first saw this piece of work, I literally gasped - "Emma!!! Why did you write on the furniture???? You have ruined this table!" I mean - she is 6!!! She has never written on the furniture! She KNOWS not to write on the furniture! Even Madeleine was aghast ~ she was saying "Emma, we write on paper!" Just as I was about to blow a gasket or cry - I saw what she had written. I was very upset, which made her sad - I can not have her thinking it is a good idea to write on the furniture! But, after I read her writings, I quickly told her how pleased God is when we worship Him, and how He delights in her words - but for future preaching - we need to stick to paper.

I asked her why she did this - and she said, "well, it was just so plain." She figured it was her art table - and it needed some art on it. My sister said that she thought it needed some character anyway. She likes that Emma will always have "The Word" under her art now. Mom says that I should shellac the thing in order to preserve her work.
Emma said how very sorry she was, and I told her that it was ok - it will probably end up being my favorite piece of furniture when she is grown and gone. But, truth be told ~ it already is my favorite piece of furniture.

"you removed my sackcloth...

...and clothed me with joy. That my heart may sing to you and not be silent, O Lord my God I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12
I want to record the blessings from the Lord concerning my accident. He protected and provided in so many ways, and I have come to know Him deeper as a Merciful God.
First of all, the girls were not with me in the car. They were with me 2 Sundays ago on the way to church, and Emma rode with me this week ~ but last week I was alone. Praise, praise, praise God.
Another blessing is the car that I wrecked was our 11 year old Honda with 160,000 miles on it. The AC no longer worked, the locks did not work, there was a large crack in the windshield, and it was truly a "let's pray this car lasts through law school" car. Between the 2 cars, much better to total that one, than the one we really depend on. Plus, had I been driving the Tahoe, I likely would have caused more injury to the girl that I hit. Which brings me to the biggest praise of the whole accident. Both she and I, walked away from our cars. I have spent too much time thinking of what I could have done to another person because of my carelessness, and I just praise our Merciful Savior for protecting her. The EMT on the scene checked her and said she was fine, but she went to the ER just to be sure, and they did find a fracture in her hand. I was devastated when I learned I had hurt her, but praising God that it was not spinal or head injuries. Thank you Jesus. (please pray that she heals quickly.) The police officer on the scene mistook me for a witness when I walked up to him, because he thought that the person driving the Honda must be in the ambulance (from looking at the car). God provided supernatural protection that I did not deserve.
One of the most amazing provisions this week, has been a car to borrow. I never thought I would need to borrow a CAR - but here we are, and I believe that this is straight from the Lord (via the Carll family.) Kendall Carll decided he could not pass up a great deal on a new Suburban for his wife, Brandy, expecting baby number 3. So, 2 days before I totaled our car, he bought a new car - which left a Dodge Durango sitting in the family driveway until March 15th, when he will trade in the car he is driving and drive the Durango again. So, they have graciously loaned us the Durango, and told us they do not need it back until March. Is that amazing? The Lord foreknew what I would do in my sinfulness, and already had a provision in place in order to begin the "redeeming process". To say that we are indebted to the Carll's is quite an understatement. When I explained to the girls, where this BEAUTIFUL almost new vehicle came from, Emma said, "What can we give to someone who is letting us use their car? We can't give anything that is equal to a car!" My sentiments exactly. All I have to give, is glory to the Lord because of their generosity. We will all testify to the goodness of God because of this family. When I told Billy about the offer of the car through February, he said, "that is amazing, because I was trying to figure out a way to get us to March when we will likely get a tax refund and be able to combine that with the insurance check and get something a little more dependable." God's timing is miraculous. Just amazes us.
Yet another provision, is that my Sunday school teacher told me Wednesday night, that several families in our class were pitching in, and the deductible was covered. Then my dear sweet childhood friend, Ginger, came over last night with an envelope filled with the amount of my deductible, and said that Her husband wants to cover it for us. Neither Ginger and Scott or my Sunday School friends will take their money back ~ they both say, if the deductible is already covered, then use it for groceries... so, the deductible was covered, twice. I even tried to give money back to a couple at church today who had not contributed (I thought they had). That was awkward - haha - they were like, "um, we don't know what you are talking about, but we would have given if we had known." Could you just die? Oh, the lessons in humility just keep coming. So, my friend, Cynthia, says that is what I get for trying to give people's money back after the Lord has provided. :)
There were a million other provisions. One of my worries on Sunday was, how am I going to get to the grocery store and get meals planned for this week when I can't even get out of bed? Regardless of my depression, my family has to eat. I did not have to cook all week, because people just kept showing up with food.
I remember gripping the wheel in the middle of the accident and just saying, "Help me Jesus" over and over again. And I now realize that He already had. He had gone before me and worked out a car, deductible payment, and even meals for the week. I am so unworthy, but He is merciful.
The sweetest gift of the accident was being able to see Billy walk in such forgiveness and love towards me. I have put us in an even worse financial spot than we already were. Put us in an even greater spot of dependence, and brought a huge burden on him right before finals. He has done nothing but extend grace and kindness. When he arrived at the scene of the accident, I said - "what are we going to do? I have totaled your car" and he said "we will buy a new car." Just like that - as if we could! :) This week he has washed dishes, done laundry, bought flowers - anything he can think of to show me he loves me, regardless of my failures.
I am so thankful to God for my friends, my church, my husband, my family. God is a merciful Savior - and I believe He allowed me to fall in my sinfulness in order to show Himself mighty. The day after the accident, my friend Cara texted me 2 Cor. 12 :9 "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." ~ Now, that is something I can offer the Lord, weakness... Paul goes on to say, "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Praise Jesus.

Accidents Happen

Is what I tell people, until it is me, and I have accidently run a red light totaled our car, and hit another vehicle. And then, accepting God's forgiveness and grace, amidst my own sinfulness and humanity is so difficult. During these 2 years of unemployment, I have never once felt that I deserved any of the provisions that God so miraculously produced through His saints. I struggled and still do, with the humility required to accept God's help when it comes through another person's sacrifice. It is so hard. But, I have come to a place where I realize that as I beg God for help in my prayers, I have no right to tell Him "how" to answer that need. And, I need to accept His provisions, however He offers them. So, I never felt that I deserved any of the provisions, but after Sunday - I felt totally unworthy of even accepting them. Here, I had failed in such a huge way, and I was so ashamed and so guilty. It was all my fault. I felt unworthy of my jobs at the church or even prayers offered on my behalf. I felt totally condemned. I spent 2 days in an absolute "pit" of dispair, struggling under the weight my "works based" faith.
I realize now, that I thought that I could "accept" God's love and provisions because I was "working" so hard. And here, in this place of total and public failure - I have had to come to terms with the grace offered by His death on the cross. Not only can I never add anything to His payment (which I clearly understood), my failures can never subtract from His payment either. If every day, for the rest of my life, I fail as big as I failed when I ran that red light and hit another person, I still stand righteous through Jesus Christ - whose payment on the cross is enough. Paul said, "This righteousness comes from God through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Works are simply my response to His faithfulness, not any type of merit system. I would never be found worthy enough, because I am a sinner in need of a Savior. But, by the blood of the Lamb, I can stand worthy and holy and even righteous before the Throne of Grace. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus - He, even He is the One who blots out my transgressions and remembers my sins no more - If I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. (Romans 8:1, Isaiah 43:25, 1 John 1:9)
So now, I have a choice. Just as salvation is freely offered to all who will accept it, grace and mercy are feely offered as well. I can choose to live under guilt and shame, or I can accept the Grace paid for by the cross, and walk in freedom. I choose freedom, if for no other reason than to be an example to those around me who are still living under condemnation. I want to accept the grace extended to me, and walk with my head lifted - not because of anything I have done, because of what He has done on the cross. And it is my prayer, that someone else might choose the same through this testimony...

You have put more joy in my heart...

My devotional this morning was about the wedding feast at Cana, the location of the first miracle of Jesus. The wine has run out, the host is about to be embarrassed, and the celebrating will end. My notes in my Bible tell me that to run out of wine broke strong unwritten rules of hospitality, so I assume this would have left quite the black smear on the bride's wedding week. Heartbreaking for a parent.
I love the simplicity of this miracle. I think, "isn't there more important things to do than to provide more refreshments at a wedding feast?" But, to know that Jesus cares about the things that we may feel are not worthy of His attention. I often find myself feeling guilty for going to Him for help, when there are so many others out there with needs greater than mine. And I feel guilty receiving such help from Him, when I know there are others who need it worse than me.
But, Jesus cared about this bride and He cared about her family. So, He took jars used for ceremonial cleansing (legalism) and had them filled up with water, and then turned that water into wine, just so the celebrating did not have to stop, and the family would not be embarrassed. That is a picture of the abundant life that He offers us when we trust in Him. That no request is too insignificant when laid before the Lord, and then offered back to Him for His glory after He meets the need.
And look who gets to be front row witnesses to this first miracle ~ the servants! We do not know who all was aware of the problem. Clearly, Mary, because she was the one who asked Jesus to help, and the servants, because she said to them - "Do whatever He says", and they did ~ and they got to be a part of a miracle. But likely, most of the guests just went right on enjoying the party and never knew there was a problem. They just thought the host saved the best wine for the end. This would have been odd - but whatever!
I want to be those servants - I want to know about the problem, obey when told, "Do whatever He says." And then sit back and watch Him transform my life into abundance, and fill up my empty jars.
For us, the empty jars are financial right now - but couldn't it be empty jars of Joy or Hope or Peace? We all have empty jars in our lives - that Jesus wants to fill up with something better than we could ever imagine. If we would only recognize the need, ask, and then obey.
I will tell you that the Lord has been blessing us lately. Precious friends have been led by Him to help us in the past week in miraculous ways - and I am overwhelmed by the generosity. And every time someone gives to us, I want to say - "No no no, we don't need that! The Lord will provide!" And then I hear God say, "I just did."
It is hard to accept the Lord's provisions however He gives them. It is humbling. But it is His job to decide how He will save us. And it is my job to offer Him glory and praise for the "save".
"You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound." Psalm 4:7